Old people always wax poetic about the "good old days." What makes them so good? Well, for starters, we still had our original body parts and didn't take fourteen different kinds of medication!

Why do athletes always take it, "One game at a time," when half of them end up losing their very next game? Shouldn't they do the math and take it, "Two games at a time?"

Every time we leave our bathroom door open, our Dalmatian empties the wastebasket all over our bedroom floor. I used to think that he did that because he is a rambunctious rascal. Then I read his blog, where he mentioned that he does this as a way of reminding us to keep the bathroom door closed. It turns out that he has several additional reminder services, including reminders NOT TO: 1. Leave shoes laying around 2. Leave food on the table or anywhere else within reach 3. Leave anything chewable within reach. Smart dog! Who knew?

Recently, when I went to the gym to pick up my son, I inadvertently got on the stair-stepper, and it immediately started going about 90 miles an hour. Frantically, I searched for the elevator button, and when I couldn't find it, started yelling, "Where the heck is the elevator button on this thing?" When someone nearby told me there was no elevator, I jumped off and avoided serious bodily injury. No elevator on something that has over 100 floors? What's that all about?

I tell my teenage son that I'm not concerned exactly how good his grades are or exactly how fast his time in the 40 yard dash is. "When your GPA and time in the 40 are the same, I'll take you for ice cream!" [Editor's note: Chances are pretty good that if he gets his ice cream, he'll be accepted to college somewhere.]

If people are as smart as they think they are, Einstein is just an average dork with some theories.

If I'm as dumb as some people think I am, I couldn't beat a frog in a spelling bee. [Editor's note: Ribit is not that easy to spell.]

My memory is absolutely perfect. In fact, I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

People say I have a receding hairline, but they're wrong. I just have a loooong face.

Teenage girls around the world are glad I'm not their father. Like I would embarass them or something. TSNF (That's So Not Fair).

The first time I went past my son's high school, I thought all the kids had an extra body part connecting their hand and ear. Come to find out that's called a cell phone.